Tuesday thoughts And Expressing Things Clearly

Isabelle
Feb 24
3 min read

Hi Friends,

Last week we explored the “turning toward” principle from John Gottman: those small, almost invisible moments when someone reaches for us and we either lean in…or look away. The sigh at the end of the day. The casual “Can I tell you something?” The quiet bid for connection that can be so easily missed.

Today, I want to build on that with something deeply practical. A communication structure so simple it almost feels too basic. And yet, it has the power to soften defensiveness and create understanding in ways that long explanations never do.

It’s often called Gottman’s “magic formula”:

When you…I feel…And I need…

That’s it.

But let me show you what this looks like in real life.

Imagine this: It’s evening. You’ve had a full day. You’re finally sitting down, ready to share something that mattered to you — maybe a moment with one of your children, maybe something that stirred you emotionally. And while you’re talking, your partner picks up their phone. Not maliciously. Not dramatically. Just casually scrolling.

You feel it immediately. That small drop in your stomach. The familiar tightening in your chest. And without thinking, you say, “You’re always on your phone. You never listen to me.”

The temperature in the room changes. They defend. You escalate. Suddenly the issue isn’t about connection; it’s about who’s right.

Now let’s pause and rewind.

Same situation. Same feelings. But this time you breathe before speaking.

“When you look at your phone while I’m talking, I feel unimportant. And I need a few minutes of your full attention.”

Notice the shift. There’s no attack on character. No “always” or “never.” Just a description of behavior, an honest feeling, and a clear need.

It requires more courage. It exposes you. It reveals that beneath irritation there is longing. But that vulnerability is exactly what creates intimacy.

And this doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships. This works with your adult children when plans change and you feel dismissed. It works with a friend who repeatedly cancels at the last minute. It works in professional relationships when expectations are unclear. It even works within your own inner dialogue.

“When I say yes to things I don’t have energy for, I feel resentful. And I need to check in with myself before committing.”

That is turning toward yourself.

The reason this formula works across all relationships is because it removes blame and replaces it with responsibility. You are not accusing someone of being flawed. You are revealing your internal experience. You are naming what you need in order to feel safe, seen, or supported.

And here is the honest truth: it won’t magically guarantee the response you hope for. The other person may still struggle. They may still react. But you will have communicated with clarity instead of criticism. And clarity is powerful.

Especially in midlife, when many of us are no longer willing to swallow our needs just to keep the peace. We have spent years accommodating, adjusting, holding things together. Now we want conversations that are real. Clean. Grounded.

This simple structure gives you something steady to stand on when emotions rise. It keeps you from drifting into old patterns of blame or withdrawal. It invites connection instead of conflict.

Small turns create strong relationships.Clear words create emotional safety.And sometimes, the most transformative shifts begin with the quiet courage to say, “When this happens, this is how I feel… and this is what I need.”

This week's affirmation:

I express my needs clearly.

Isabelle

PS: Message me for a free consult to start moving toward a more confident you.

You are loved. Deeply loved. Loved beyond measure.

Until next time,

Isabelle